It's been a long time...

I should be sleeping, but here I am, writing a blog on a website that I haven't thought about in years from my phone no less.

Why? Well, it's because my mind won't be quiet and I'm feeling lots of emotions right now.

I really want to scream at God, punch Him, shake Him and just flat out yell at Him. Why? Another year gone by without answers to many questions. To say I'm mad and sad doesn't even scratch the surface.

Do I have a bad life? No, not by any stretch of the imagination or reality. In fact, my life is pretty good, really. What's the problem, then? Again, unanswered prayers and longings/desires of my heart that have yet to be brought forth despite the direct (and multiple) promises of God. Am I doubting Him? No, I don'tthink so...I mean, I hope not and if I am, I will repeat as I have repeated many times before, "God, I believe. Help me to believe!"

Does that change my feelings? Not one bit, especially this time of year. What time of year is that, you ask.... Mother's day. Yes, I love my mom and yes, I'm happy for all moms out there in the world, but that doesn't take away the pain of another year gone by without the blessing of my own children. Yes, God has promised me children (plural) of my own (from my own womb). Yes, I believe and trust Him, but it still hurts more than words or tears can express.

Unless you have waited on pregnancy or lost a pregnancy, I don't think you understand the feeling.

Doctors are no help. "Lose weight." The common denominator in their minds. The problem is not the weight per say... It's the THYROID issue and the PCOS, both of which work against me to lose weight. Yes, there's medicine that can help with the PCOS and yes, I've tried it. I was not a pleasant person while on those meds and they didn't help much.

Please, for the love of God, don't suggest adoption or IVF to a woman who is trying to get pregnant. First of all, are you going to pay for either one? Second, how do you know that God hasn't spoken to that woman that she will have her own child/children? You want to help? Great! Pray fervently for her and find out from her how you can best support her!

Also, don't tell a woman who is trying to get pregnant that she just needs, "to relax." Do you think she hasn't thought of that or tried?

You know what else makes it hard? Ads everywhere just like the following:

Yeah, that's fun when you're already sad. NOT.

That's not all that's plaguing me. There's lots of "Why?"s. To list then out isn't going to change them or make me feel any better.

It is what it is and I feel what I feel. God is still good, all the time!

Fur-child, Ruthie, wants me to go to go to sleep now. Good night.

New thought added May 13, 2023 @ 9:25 p.m.

I am not trying to diminish the hurt a parent feels when they lose a child after birth. I simply can't speak to this pain because I have not experienced it.