Wandering

Heads-up: Things and emotions are about to get real.

The past (almost) two years have been tough in more ways than one. Losing my job and not finding another (full-time position) has been the root of it. It's made me question a lot about myself and what I'm doing. I have questioned if I really heard from God and if I made the right decisions. It's been one heartbreak after another in several aspects of my life.

The job situation was only one area of confusion and heartbreak. Every time I thought I figured out what to do and where to go, the door shut. I would think that maybe the time had come and I would find my way again only to be disappointed again.

I get angry that I am still paying for student loans for a degree that's not really being used as it was intended. I get angry at the credit card bills, doctor bills and other bills that are piling up. I get angry that as soon as we seem to make some kind of headway on those bills, something else hits and we're back to the beginning. I get angry that we find houses that we like, but we're not ready to move, can't afford to move and then the houses sell or fall off the market.

I get upset and angry that as I wait for God to open doors and answer prayers that others seem to be doing great. Of course I know that just because things "seem" great for others, it doesn't mean that they really are doing great. I have moments where my emotions are a roller coaster that I can't control or understand.

I miss some of my friends from my grad school cohort and I get envious of them because they get to use their degrees and seem to switch/find new positions easily. I'm just not meant to be doing that right now. I miss my professors from Grad school who seemed to understand and have words of wisdom.

Despite all of this, I know that God is good. I know that He has a plan, a purpose and a future for me that is greater than I can imagine.

Jeremiah 29:10-14 (NLT)

10 This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I fully believe that everything will be restored and then some. I believe that I have the favor of the Lord. I believe that this is my time to rest. I know some people won't understand that, but that is what God has told me and I know what He wants for me.

I can't make things happen, I can only trust God and believe that He has a plan and His plan is far better than I could ever think or imagine. The job/position that he has for me will be absolutely perfect for me. The house that he has for my husband and I will be beyond what we were thinking or imagining. My husband and I will be good parents and our children will be such blessings from Heaven and will serve Him.

Does all of this that I believe mean that this time is easy? No, it's not in the least bit easy. Does it mean that I am content? No, but I am learning in small ways, which I pray will lead to bigger ways in which I am content. Am I perfect? A resounding, not even close! Do I believe that all of this hardship is for nothing? Absolutely not!

Romans 8:28-30

28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[m] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. 29 For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn[n] among many brothers and sisters.30 And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

Life is tough and this is my temporary home. I will be okay. Yes, it's hard, but God's got this and He's got

me.